Second hand baby stuff-embarassing?

Last night DH and I had a friend over and we were talking about preparing for the baby. I told his friend that if he ever got married and had a baby, call me and I would give him the low down on all the great second hand baby sales & stuff exchanges. DH and I have basically bought all furniture (crib, changing table, swing, pack n play, highchair), bedding (sheets, washcloths, hooded towels), most clothes and blankets, a Medela breast pump (for $50), and a stroller second hand and I am not at all ashamed. We have probably save $1000s and it has allowed us to spend money on other things like a nice, new car seat and the hand painted mobiles we wanted.

Anyway, when the friend left DH asked me (in a very nice way) to please not tell people that we are getting all the baby stuff second hand. He said that he just felt like it was too much information and he doesn't want people thinking that we are in financial trouble or he can't support us. I didn't debate with him and just left it at "ok" because he seemed to genuinely need support for his feelings. He just seemed so worried and embarassed about it, I can't really explain it.

Its just hard for me to relate to feeling embarassed about the second hand shopping because I feel so proud. We have done a great job, acquired a lot of really beautiful stuff, and none of it looks like it has even been used before. I kind of want to brag a little, but not at the expense of DH's feelings and self esteem. Truth be told, we honestly couldn't afford to buy 1/4 of what we have if it had been new. The only reason we have done so well to provide for the baby is a result of the second hand stuff.

What do you ladies think? Are any of your DH's having anxiety about being able to "support a family"?

I think its common, especially as they launch into Fatherhood, a different burden sits on their shoulders than on ours, we worry about very different things and our pride is focused on different things, theirs being able to support their family. A lot of DH's are embarassed if their wives have to work, my DH has made comments about that numerous times, I for one WANT to work and wouldn't dream of stopping, so I just reaffirm to him that its my choice to work and I love it, I think its an ego thing, they want people to think they can handle it all, provide for us, etc.

It sounds like you did the right thing, just let him talk, but it might be a good idea to have a conversation about it down the road, we have had it, more about what we worry about so the other understands, etc. Its more of a "hey I was thinking" type conversation, not one that comes up as a reaction to something that just happened, because then sometimes it isn't as honest and open, its can be more defensive.

I know what you are talking about. I told DH that I posted pictures of the great finds that I got on ebay and he was like " I can't believe you want people to know that you are getting used stuff". This is our 3rd kid... so didn't think it was THAT big of a deal. Our 2nd son uses our first sons stuff??!! ANYHOW, he didn't want me to tell my family that we got the clothes on ebay, and some of the other things that we have been given or got for cheap. My family and friend don't care... they aren't going to think we can't support our kids because we are doing a good job of it. Anyhow, good luck with it!!

That was really nice of you not to second guess your dh and just say ok. I think i might have tried to talk to him about it and say how its not really a big deal and i think that other people wouldnt thinks its a big deal either. He is lucky to have you.

I am all for second hand and hand me down items. There are some things that I want new like the car seat and stroller but only because I know what kids do to these items and they normally look pretty bad by the time they grow out of them. I have to say I have seam some nice one's out there. I am not embarrased to buy the second hand items or to talk about it but I can see how some people would be.

ldw1193 wrote:I know what you are talking about. I told DH that I posted pictures of the great finds that I got on ebay and he was like " I can't believe you want people to know that you are getting used stuff". This is our 3rd kid... so didn't think it was THAT big of a deal. Our 2nd son uses our first sons stuff??!! ANYHOW, he didn't want me to tell my family that we got the clothes on ebay, and some of the other things that we have been given or got for cheap. My family and friend don't care... they aren't going to think we can't support our kids because we are doing a good job of it. Anyhow, good luck with it!!

I LOVE EBAY!!!!!!!!!1

It is so a guy thing. I can get great deals on used items and him be super proud of them, but if I want to tell somebody he asks me not to.

I think it is the whole used part. Now getting from family is different. He then thinks it is the best thing in the world.

They do seem to get really worried about providing. My DH has been bragging to everyone who will listen about the Dutalier glider and ottoman we got for $30 at a yard sale, but he's sensitive in other areas. For example, he likes to tell people that our baby will sleep with us and how much better that will be when he wakes up at night, but doesn't want to admit that we simply don't have room in our little place for a crib, not to mention a nursery.

I say, whatever makes him feel more comfortable. It sounds like it hurts him more than it helps you to talk about it, so I would just brag to family and keep friends in the dark.

i dont think theres ANYONE out there that doesnt get at least one thing here and there thats been used no matter how much money they make.. i can honastly say that everything we have right now )other than the little outfits and gifts we just got at my baby shower last week) we got handed down to us from friends.. The only thing that Blaise will have new is his crib and stroller.. We have 2 swings, a walker and a high chair from friends who are done having kids.. We also got a TONE of bottles, bibs, my madela brest pump (175.00 one) diaper bad (from babies r us, blue and brown suade looks brand new) and much much more from the same ppl who gave us the swings and stuff.. its NOTHING to be ashamed of.. Men feel diff sometimes, as women we want to brag about all the greta deals we find and men DO worry about other men thinking they can support their family.. its a man thing.. thankfully i got a really cheap husband who brags about how little money we have spent so far but man do thing like ur DH does.. I would just keep it between u and ur girlfriends and just keep it to urself around his friends so he doesnt feel bad.. Its normal..

Pretty much everything we have gotten has been from my sisters and 2nd hand shops and freecycle. I am all about saving money! Thankfully so is my husband. All of the stuff we have gotten has been really nice and we are very thankful to have all the help we can get. Why spend full price on something when we can get it either free or 2nd hand. Our baby is going to grow out of stuff so fast. I do understand it being a man thing. I know my husband worries now that I am not working. He has mentioned several times about picking up a 2nd job which I pray he doesn't have to do. I would rather find a part time job in the evenings than have him working 2 jobs. uuurrrggghh don't you just love money?!

Dee

I did that with all our kids, not b/c of space, but b/c I wanted sleep! I BF for the first couple of months and it was so nice to be able to roll over, let baby eat and doze while they did it. You guys will figure out the rest, don't worry about it!!
Jen

TechieMom wrote:They do seem to get really worried about providing. My DH has been bragging to everyone who will listen about the Dutalier glider and ottoman we got for $30 at a yard sale, but he's sensitive in other areas. For example, he likes to tell people that our baby will sleep with us and how much better that will be when he wakes up at night, but doesn't want to admit that we simply don't have room in our little place for a crib, not to mention a nursery.

I say, whatever makes him feel more comfortable. It sounds like it hurts him more than it helps you to talk about it, so I would just brag to family and keep friends in the dark.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'd want the hand-me-downs and I'm like HELL YEAH...send them over!! I'm not too proud to accept their used items especially if they are in good condition or can be cleaned up. My DH hasn't said anything about it. We got a gorgeous crib from a friend of mine. I love it and am thankful to be using it. I've gotten lots off of e-bay.

I guess I can see that he feels he's not supporting his family if you buy things second hand. And if no one knows something is second hand, why tell them? This way you get the good bargain and DH gets to feel like he's still the provider.