Joke time, list you best joke

I'm hoping that you guys will list some of what you think are some funny jokes.

my contribution:

A man is on his death bed, and by his side is his wife.
The man looks over to his wife and says “honey there are some things that I need to tell you before I die.” The wife says “my dear husbands please don’t worry about it.”
The husband goes on to say “no honey before the lord takes me home I need to tell you this…” the wife again interrupts the husband and say “honey it isn't necessary.” “No my love in need to let you know this” the husband goes on to tell her “honey I slept with you mother, your sister, and your best friend.”
The wife looks at her husband lovingly and say “I know that is why I poisoned you.”

i dont have jokes but that was FUNNY!

I wouldn't consider this my best joke but I thought it was funny!

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.


The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Both of those jokes are hilarious. I don't have any of my own, though..

Bwahaha Rochelle!

husband and wife are lying in bed together when husband starts getting frisky.
wife says, "hunny I have a doctors appt. tomorrow and I want to be clean down there for that."
Wife rolls over to go to sleep and husband say, " Well, you dont have a dentist appt tomorrow, do you?"



HERES ANOTHER>>>


A man and his wife got into bed for the night.
The wife had curled up ready for sleep
and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading,
he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her privates.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped
and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked,
"What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my privates.
I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said,
"Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

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OMG

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day...
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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"
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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.
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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?
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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me. ####################################################


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.
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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky , and West Virginia )
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!
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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?
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I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

I especially like the joke about wetting his fingers! LOL

I got this email yesterday

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 click here

LOL!!! Thats funny, I was try to figure out what a 710 was myself. lmao

Omg, that was a good one..haha. I almost didn't make it to the potty room after that..haha.

FIVE AFFAIRS..haha



The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

‘I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

‘My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

and then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,'

she said, ‘pretend you're a statue.'

‘What’s this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

Don't fart in Bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard,let meknow and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily marriedforyears. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habitoffarting loudly every morning when he awoke The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make hereyeswater and make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then, one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing theturkeyfor dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl whereshehad put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband wassoundasleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled backtheelastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey gutsintohis shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling screamandthe sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on thefloor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on hisface. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen toyou." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you al ways told me that one day I would end upfartingmy guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, Ithink I got most of them back in!!!!!!"

OMG!!!!! Thats crazy.

good ones!!!

A married man
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A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!

love it

This is an old favorite:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss



The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

These are adult jokes that I received in an email and I thought some of you might enjoy.

Top Four Adult Jokes


Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
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Why do midgets laugh when they run???






Cause the grass tickles their nuts!

Thats cute!! hanks for the laugh this morning

Andrea