What can I do?

DH and I are in a pregnancy class with 6 other couples. We have brief checkups with our midwives, then spend an hour or two talking about stages of pregnancy, how to cope with symptoms, ask questions, and basically have a support group for what we're going through. One of the other couples lives 2 blocks from us, so we've been hanging out with them socially, and we signed up for birthing classes together too (starting this weekend).

Last night, our midwife called us to tell us that she lost her baby yesterday (at 29w2d). She hadn't felt movement in 24 hours, so called and went in and they determined in an ultrasound that the baby had died the day before. I'm devastated for her and I cried for hours last night (and again this morning).

I know that I'm probably the last person she wants to see right now, but I want her to know that we care about her and we're here for her when she's ready. This doesn't seem like the right thing to send flowers for...I was thinking of maybe dropping off some comfy pajamas to L&D tonight (to the nurses, not to her directly), but that doesn't seem right either.

I lost my first pregnancy at 9 weeks and that was heartbreaking. But I can't imagine losing a baby this far along and then having to deliver it. They were going to start trying to ripen her cervix and start contractions last night but it sounds like it could still be days until she's ready to actually give birth.

Do you have any ideas of how I can comfort her and let her know we care without being intrusive and inappropriate?

WOW... I am SO sorry to hear about your friend! I got all teary just reading your post. I woudn't know what to do either!! Sorry I'm not much help, but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and her.

Lacie

That is honestly my greatest fear, even to this day. That is why I bought a doppler. I cant imagine how she is feeling, or how you are feeling I am so so sorry. Do they know how the baby died? oR why?

I think in some way it would comfort her to know you are thinking of her....though I don't have any brilliant ideas on what you could give her to convey this. I honestly can't imagine losing a baby that far along--I mean that is the stage we are all at, more or less!! I guess if anything, you could give her/make her a card expressing your sympathy...though the pajama idea is a nice one also. Sorry I"m not more help, what a devastating thing!

Stacey

Wow I'm speechless. That is so tragic. I'm sure no matter what you do, she'll know you're there for her. I think that a gift could be really tricky, but the pajamas are a great idea or maybe some comfy slippers (since they are less size specific). Perhaps contact the husband and see if they need any help with stuff around the house or maybe make a meal and drop it off for them? I am really sorry for your friend (and for you). What a horrible horrible thing.

I do not have any advice, but just wanted to say I am soo so sorry! How horrible and devastating!!

I don't know what to say or suggest.

Maybe just a card or a fruit basket? If I lost this baby, I would not want to be reminded of it...so maybe to do nothing would be the best thing?

Whatever you do, make sure you acknowledge that there was a baby! Some people, because of the discomfort of the situation but meaning no ill will, don't make mention of the baby....as if he/she never existed. This baby DID exist, and these parents LOVED this child. I would get something for mom, but also get something in memory of baby. Most hospitals are good about providing locks of hair, measurements, foot and hand prints, photos, etc. so maybe a nice memory box or scrapbook? Most of all let mom and dad know that you are grieving for their loss and if there is anything they need, you are available. Your midwife might even be able to help you out with how to react to the loss.

Oh this is so sad and one of my greatest fears!

I really like the idea of a memory box. Something for them to keep the little things in that they get is a great idea!!! And maybe just a card that says something as simple as I'm thinking of you!

What a horrible, devastating thing to happen! I'm sure it's at the top of the worst fears list for all of us. I agree with crazymommy though, please make sure to acknowledge the baby in some way (great idea with the memory box! or even just a card). I lost a baby at around 9 weeks and was totally devastated, but can't even imagine what this poor woman is going through. The worst part about it was that people just kind of ignored that it happened, I guess because I was still early in the pregnancy, and that was just so hurtful to me.

Oh my! That is awful!!
I know that I would have no idea what to say. and u may feel that ur the last person she wants to see, but the fact is u were becoming friends and she knows it's not ur fault and ur not rubbing ur baby in her face!
A card is definately an appropriate gesture. I agree with PP ... ask ur midwife. she may have a good idea. and I do like the memory box idea as well.

AWwww I can't imagine!!!

Thanks for your replies. I think I'll look around for a memory box and give that to her in a few days after her delivery happens. There are so many things that keep running through my mind. They were waiting to find out the gender, and I think it's terrible that they'll find out now this way. I can't help but wonder if the doctors could have done anything if she had called sooner. I feel so guilty for being so thankful that our baby is so active. Last night while I was crying, he went nuts. I haven't cried much this pregnancy, so I'm sure I freaked him out.

They don't know yet what happened, just that it happened suddenly. She hadn't really felt her baby much at all from the beginning, but she still felt something everyday. I have a doppler too, and I may have to start using it again because I'm totally freaked out now. I'm more sad than worried, but I had horrible dreams all night.

Memory box and pajamas/slippers...Thanks again, ladies.

Oh Lisa, I am so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. It is truly devastating. I'm not exactly sure how to handle the situation but I do agree with PP that any gesture will show her you care and that you're there for her. I have lost 2 babies, one at 10 weeks, the other at 14 weeks but I can't begin to imagine how devastating it would be to lose one this far along. Just let her know that you're her friend and if she needs you, you're there. She will reach out to you if she knows your there. Again, I'm so sorry that this has happened.

Oh Lisa, I am so sorry for your friend and for you, because its scary when something like this happens while pregnant, makes you think of everything...

My suggestions would be to memorialize the baby, maybe a donation to the March of Dimes or another Charity focused on babies, especially if you can find out what caused the baby to pass. Or maybe a tree, if they have a yard, you could get them a tree to plant in honor of the baby, I agree, you can't forget that the baby existed, but at the same time it might be too soon to start the memorial process...I think a card that just says you are there if she needs to talk or just wants some company, etc. And I agree, bringing over a meal once they are home from the hospital would be appropriate.

I am so glad this was brought up. I know that sounds bad, but this is my worst fear. This is why:

1.SEARS Jenna Lynn, beloved daughter of David Sears and Jamie Rump; dear sister of Reagan Sears; cherished granddaughter of Hazel and the late Ellis Sears and Jerry and Debbie Rump; loving niece of Brenda Sears. Also survived by many family and friends. Her life that was taken so early has affected so many. Born April 24, 2007. Passed away April 25, 2007. Friends may call at the Vorhis & Ryan Funeral Home, 5501 Montgomery Rd., Norwood, Sunday, April 29, 2007 from 3-5 P.M. Private family services.

2.My cousin Sarah was 39 weeks. She went to the hospital becasue she had stopped feeling the baby. They did an u/s and the baby was gone. She was due for a c-section the very next day that had been planned for months. The baby had got his cord twisted.

Now #1 they have had another baby. The baby will be 1 on the day Jenna passed. It is gong to be very hard on them. Celebrating there dd 1st birthday and also the 2nd year ann. of there other dd's death.

My cousin Sarah I have not seen since it happened. She never comes to any family things. It is very said.

With Jenna I made a uo a wreath for her funeral and a little plaque for them hang. With Sarah I sent a card just saying how sorry we were for her loss.

At this time I would just send a card saying you will be here for them. Then maybe once they get home make them a caserole or something and send your husband over with it. It may take her a while to want to see you since you still have a healthy baby growing. But I beat once you have that baby she will be there for you.

Just remember times heals most wounds.

Im sorry for your friend and her loss. 2 years ago yesterday was the anniversary of the loss of my twin baby Lacie. I got many cards and checks to help with the needs of funeral, casket, and stone. That was considerable help as we dont have money set aside for those things and that was one thing we didnt have to worry about at our time of sorrow. To us that was wonderful. I think that a memory box would be great!!! I dont have one and it would be very nice as I have lock of hair feet and hand prints pictures from hospital and also casts of her tiny feet. Along with the left over funeral cards and thank you notes and all our wonderful cards. I also have the outfit and blanket that they put on her at hospital with her scent that would be nice to put all together in a beautiful box. !st hand experience I think those are great ideas.
Andrea

i dont have much advice, i just wanted to say im sorry this happened to your friend. On monday when i went to dr i found out my fluids are border line low and normal and since then all i have been thinking about is something happening to my baby.. im not sure what i would do if i lost him :0(

That is so sad. It scares me reading your stories. I agree with the other girls. A nice dinner for them when she gets home from the hospital and a memorial box. I am so sorry for all of you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!

I'm sorry to have scared people...I wasn't going to post, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Her contractions started this morning, and she was only in labor for an hour. There wasn't time for an epidural, but I guess it went as well as could have been hoped for. She's home now, so we're going to figure out what to bring to her tomorrow.

Thanks again for your support. We're almost there...

Wow, that is the silver lining, at least it was quick. And she is already at home...at least she can be comfortable in her own house.

Unfortunately, things like this happen. Every time I get worked up about it I try to remember that most everyone goes on to deliver healthy babies. I also know someone who lost her baby on her due date. I know that I am not in control of the umbilical cord or any other circumstance that might happen to the baby at this point of the pregnancy. It would be great to be Katie Holmes and have your own ultrasound machine at home. I can't imagine losing a baby during any stage of pregnancy.

I don't think that there is anything that I could say to help, but I can only imagine how hard she must be taking it. That is the biggest fear for I think every pregnant woman. WOW.

minivanmamma,
Wow, that is devastating!!!

I think you gave great advice! Card and the casserole (and have DH give friend the items).

Sooo sad, lets pray that noone on our board will ever have to deal with this kind of tragedy!