Honest opinion

(from those who have been in my situation)... Does staying with your partner for the child's sake ever work out in the end??... My boyfriend and I have been going through some really hard times lately... well, almost our whole relationship. We are in love with eachother, but because of our living situation, and past issues, it makes it extremely hard for us to communicate the way we want to, and to treat eachother with respect. We are constantly fighting, I am constantly crying... and it's horrible, and I am almost about to give up. He has already made it completely clear that he would leave if it weren't for me being pregnant. That makes me want to die. We are both very depressed and neither of us know what to do, because we are both so young and now expecting a child. I just don't want Naminai to have to grow up without both of her parents around constantly... or having to switch homes, and go through all the motions of having parents that aren't together. I know what it's like to not have one parent completely.. and I just don't want that for her.

We've 'tried' making things work, but it never seems to go as planned. Does anyone have any advice?? It would be muchly appreciated...

Thankyou!
- Rachel

I haven't been in your situation, so take my post with a grain of salt. I personally think it would be harder for your daughter to be in a household with fighting parents than a household with one parent. It might also be harder if you stay together and break up in a few years when she's old enough to know that things have changed. Kids are pretty smart and pick up on tension and anger, so you two fighting or staying together just for her sake may be more obvious to her than you want.

If you and he are willing to stick it out for her sake, have you tried counseling? It may help you learn how to communicate better, and to help ease some of your feelings of depression and resentment. This is a big life change for both of you, so it may be worth trying counseling for a few sessions to see if it's something that could work for you and make you feel better. It may also help you both see that staying together just to stay together isn't the best option for either of you.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, but I think it's healthy that you're reaching out to us to talk through it. It's a good step that shows you want to do what's best for you and your daughter. I hope there are some girls on here that have been in the same situation that can offer more advice than I can. Hang in there!

So, I have been in your exact situation before altough I was a year older than two years older. My ex and I were together for 4 years before I got pregnant with DS. I was 19 (just turned 19) when I found out I was pregnant and ex was 23(yes now I know that was sick) but anyway, I thought well I guess it is meant to be this way for a reason. Well, we had our fair share of problems but then when I found out I was pregnant it got worse. He decided that he wasn't ready to be a father and that if I wasn't going to have an abortion then we would end our relationship... so long story short it ended. After this happened I was devastated at first but then relized that I had a child that I needed to be strong for so that is what I did.

After having DS, of course he wanted to be around because he was a boy and not a girl (his own words) and he wanted to try and work on things. We gave it a shot because I was thinking the way you are... I don't want to raise my child on my own, WELL... that didn't work. It lasted for maybe 3 months and we continued to argue and not get along.... so again, I made the final decision to be strong and do what was best for my child because I did NOT want him to grow up and treat women the way is dad did.

So, for the first 3 years he was a good dad and would see DS on a regular basis then he met someone (girlfriend) and started to peter away. My son was 5 years old, in Kindergarten when his dad decided to start seeing him again on a regular basis (girlfriend and him broke up) but this time my son would come home saying my daddy made me mad because he was talking bad about you. YEAH this was not going to happen so I confronted him about it and told him that if we couldn't get a long for our child that he needed to sign over rights and I didn't need his money anymore. On my son's 6th birthday, I was served with papers... he didn't want to be a dad anymore and was signing over all rights to me!!! I was so happy yet so sad but he wasn't hardly seeing DS by this time anyway (girlfriend came back around).

Now, DH and I are extremely happy to have him all to ourselves and DH will be adopting him soon so he can have the same last name as his sister.

So, my advice to you is life is way too short especially now that you have a LO on the way. You don't want him to grow up and think this is the way a relationship should be or have him hear "daddy" calling mommy names and think it is okay. Children are so smart and the last thing you want to do is teach them something WRONG. I know it will be hard but just like pp said it will be more difficult once the baby is here. Only you can do what is right for yourself, but I have seen so many of my friends go through the same relationship and they end up being good friends and raise the baby together just they aren't together and their kids are fine.

Please send me a message any time if you want to talk, I wish that I had someone other than my friends (my age) at the time to help me make a smarter decision. You seem to be very smart so use your head and not your heart because when it's your first love your heart will guide you the wrong way but your brain will always tell you what's right!

I got pg when I was 17 too. Except it wasn't an accident. We were getting along great at first. We were both excited about having a baby. Understandabley we were both nervous. He was 19 and still had some habits he couldn't get rid of. We were living together at the time. I was the "mature" one of the two and asked him to change. It was wrong on my part to ask him of that but I didn't know that at the time. We started fighting a lot. Mostly about money issues and his habits that cost money. re: pot, cigerettes, porn 1-900 #'s (no internet at that time), not paying his bills, etc it went on. I felt there was some trust issues and didn't want to raise our son in that enviroment. So we got into a fight one night and he told me to leave. I took it and did just that. I got my cats and a few belongings and went to my moms.

He did ask for me back after a week and I was so stubborn and head strong that I refused. I was 7 1/2 mths pg with Daniel. I know that everyones situations are very different. I am just telling you how it went for me. Daniel didn't know his dad until he was 3 yrs old. It was purely his choice not mine. He did see Daniel after he was born here and there. He wanted to take him on his first xmas to his families house. I refused to let him because of a few reasons... i was solely breastfeeding for one and the other is I didn't want him in a vehicle with someone who smoked pot. He thought I was being rediculous and didn't come back. I met my DH now when Daniel was 15mths old. He was daddy from then on.

He does see his father here and there. We live over an hour away and he doesn't have a vehicle so I have to cart him over there. I don't do it very often because of gas. Daniel calls him Steve instead of dad. That was Daniel's choice.

As for your situation... Please think long and hard about it and you will make the right decision.

Best wishes and come back for support. We are all here.

I have been in your situation. When Jared was born dh and I were not married. We were living on our own, but not in a very nice place. When Jared was 3 months dh's car got broke into and everything was taken out. So dh's mom said we could move in with her. We were pleased, to get out of the hell hole we were in.

So May we moved in with his parents. Around June we started hating each other pretty much. I stayed home he worked. Then his mom would start in on me not working saying how she did not want to support me blah blah. Now I worked at a preschool that you get the summer months off, so I did have a job I was just on summer break. So then dh would start getting on to me about not working. I mean was clooking and cleaning while these people were at work. I mean I was pretty much there live in help.

By the time I went back to work I was thrown out of the house. Now I was still staying there because of Jared and wanting him to have both his parents. So I moved back in with my parents and we started getting along a lot better. It was back to dating again. He would work and I would work. He would come over at night and we would hang out. The only difference is we had a baby that would be right there with us.

Once we were back on track we started saving money to get a nice place to live. I would then start to have sleep over at his parents house, but I would not stay there for more than 1 night every couple days. We did not want to give his mom any reason to bitch.

Now we have been married for 5 1/2 years and having baby number 4.

My advice is to try and distance your self right now. I think you said you are living with your parents??? If so see if he can move in with his parents, or brother/sister cousin or even a firend. Just give your self some space. Go back to the dating game with him, and see if things get better. It puts a big kink in things when you are living with parents, and being preggers at the same time well that ups the kink 100%.

Now to answer your questions if I think it is better to stay...NO. My parents are still married. However I had a friend in highschool that just wished her parents would have split. They stayed together for the kids. The parents acted all kissy kissy in front of the kids. However when you go out to the movies with a group and of friends and your dad gets kickd out of the movie for having oral sex with a 20 year old not the best thing.

Being split is better than the fighting and stories that go along with it. You just really need to look at this long and hard.

Like Lisa, I have never been in your situation, so please take or leave my advice....

I am sorry you are dealing with this situation while pregnant, you have enough on your mind already. I have observed all different types of unahppy/unhealthyrelationships, some with children, some without, and the one thing that has been constant, is that if you aren't happy in a relationship and would be happier without him, kid or no kid, it will likely be better for YOU, which will translate to being better for your LO in the long run. Being pregnant is stressful, but having a newborn is even more stressful, so its not likely to get easier once the baby arrives, however with that said, it might put things into perspective for you.

What your LO needs is LOVE, and she needs to be around people that love each other, you will clearly love her, but if she is around people that are fighting all the time that will rub off on her, and will stress her out. Whether she sees you two together or not, seeing you two together unhappy will do a lot more damage than seeing you two on your own, but happy.

I hope this helps!! And on a side note, I can't imagine your SO telling you that the only reason he is with you is because of the pregnancy, that wouldn't be enough for me to stick around, I would need to feel like it was about me, not just our baby...but that is just me. You deserve someone that is going to cherish you, not just the life you two created...

I really appreciate everyone's advice and input...even though what you all said is what I expected. Things are just so hard and complicated, and it seems like it's getting worse everyday. I don't want to feel like this, especially while being pregnant... it's very stressful. And I feel like I am putting my LO under unnecessary stress, which makes me even more depressed...

I guess I have a lot more thinking to do... I just wish my partner and I could talk things out, but it always ends up in arguments and crying. We can never agree on anything.

And mini*van*mama, the thing is... he doesn't have any family up here. They are all in Florida, where we met when I lived there for a few years. He doesn't have anyone but me. So he doesn't have anywhere to go, or enough money to get his own place, which makes things extra difficult.

Youngmom,
You have recvd some great advice from all spectrums!

I always believe communication is the key. I think alot of time guys feel 'trapped'. My DH sometimes even tells me this (when we are having a spat).

You need to maybe see about getting some counseling or just sitting down and writing a letter (or email) with all your feelings down on paper.

When DH and I were pregnant with #1 (we were in our early 20s college kids) I was so depressed that I was suicidal. I had to go on zoloft...I would wake up in the middle of the night and drive somewhere and just cry until the sun came up. Imagine how this freaked my DH out! But you two need to get help, depression should never be taken lightly.

Write your thoughts down and give him the letter. This worked very well with my husband...it brought him to tears to actually read my despair on paper.

Try this I hope it helps.

Also try reading Five Love LanguagesorLies at the Altar these are great relationship books!

Good Luck and please update us on how things are going.

Hey, Youngmom,
I'm sorry that u guys are having sucha hard time right now.
My dh and I went through similar times almost 9 years ago when I got preg with ds #1 we were both young, too ( i was 19 he was 17!!!)
We broke up pretty much right away, I made him go to just about every doctor's appt, but we weren't together, he had a girlfriend, went to 2 proms and senior week in the Bahamas while I was pregnant!!! (bastard!) we did work together for a while, til I made his work environment very unpleasant, I planned out his accidental death and everything!! haha , but really
we did get a long during the 3 trimester, And, after the baby was born we actually became closer, and started seeing eachother within 3 months -- privately, then when ds was 8 months old we toldeveryone and we've been together ever since.
it seemed that we each fell in love in a different way once we saw eachother as a parent...
he became less selfish, and was such a wonderful dad!

although we would not be together if it was not for ds#1 - - which we both admit, we both need the time to realize that.

I hope u guys figure things out!
and if u can't be together hopefully u can be friends and mature parent to ur little girl...

hope ur feeling better!